


Life isn't Perfect (but your outfit can be)

by sprx77



Category: Naruto
Genre: All angry sweaters and faded jeans and exasperation, Always, Buffy the Vampire Slayer AU, Gai is captain of the cheerleading team, Gen, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, I neeeeed it, M/M, May the power protect you, Obito is Buffy, Obito is trans but it's only a tiny part, Power Rangers - Freeform, Prompt 6: Vampire Slayer, Prompt 7: Turning into your costumes, Rin is captain of the debate team, Shisui is a useless pansexual, Shisui makes the prettiest pink power ranger, Sumigakure Halloween Event 2017, Tenzo just wants some sleep, They don't actually turn into their costumes, Tobirama makes the BEST Giles you guys, With a past of secret necromancy, but they did last year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 20:46:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12284109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sprx77/pseuds/sprx77
Summary: Last year, the Slayer, his friends and his Watcher got turned into their Halloween costumes by a chaos mage.This year, Tobirama makes sure Obito and co. are dressed for success.(Or: the trans!guy Obito the Vampire Slayer AU nobody asked for).





	Life isn't Perfect (but your outfit can be)

"Alright, everybody under the legal drinking age, line up so I can veto your costumes."

"You mean 'see if they're acceptable,' right?" Shisui piped up.

Tobirama's expression, if it were possible, grew even more long-suffering. The librarian had carefully put away a book to stand, brush his palms on washed-out jeans, and keep a handful of idiot children alive.

"Yes. That." He waved a hand.

They got in line. With school out for the evening, there were no other students in the library, though the excited sound of teenagers set loose was slightly audible through the closed doors.

"Gai, what are you this Halloween?" He asks, obviously picking the easiest 'yes' or 'no'. Gai tends to flip from one extreme to the other, never one to do things by half.

"Sensei!" Gai yells, snapping into a salute. "I am myself, this Halloween!"

He is indeed wearing the green tracksuit he wears while at track practice.

"Therefore, if we are once more turned into our costumes, I will both retain my own memories and be stylishly ready to enter nonlethal combat with the transformed children of Konoha!"

Tobirama inhales, then tilts his head to the side, considering.

"You know what? That's actually a great idea. Good work, Gai."

Gai's fist thrusts into the air with the enthusiasm of the entire cheerleading team, of which he is captain.

"Yes! I am glad to have succeeded at my goal!"

Tobirama moves onto Obito, a small smile tugging at his lips from the performance.

"Well, brat? What are you doing this year?"

Obito scowls at him.

"Why do we have to do this again? We're not going to turn into our costumes again, we killed that guy--"

"Obito." Tobirama says flatly.

"I mean, what are the chances? This is stupid. We should just go out armed to the teeth in case any vamps decide to work on 'holiday'."

“Child,” Tobirama starts, only to be interrupted once more.

“And  _ you’re  _ just wearing a sweater and jeans. What about you? Last year--”

"Obito, you’re already in costume." The librarian points out, emphasizing each word like it hurts.

"Yeah?" Obito asks, defensive. "In the  _ extremely unlikely _ event we get turned into our costumes, I'm going to be Wonder Woman and no one can stop me."

He is, in fact, wearing a tiara and a skirt, arms crossed tightly across his chest.

"It was unlikely the first time," Shisui points out, for once the voice of reason.

"Yeah, but we killed that guy," Obito repeats.

"Shisui?" Tobirama visibly wipes his hands of their madness.

"I'm the vampire slayer!" Every head in the room whips around to stare at him.

"You're going as  _ Obito _ for Halloween?" Kakashi demands, incredulous.

"What, like it's hard to find his clothes? We live together."

"To my never ending regret." Obito bitches, then: "Who said you could wear my clothes?"

"Look, this way if Obito is turned into Wonder Woman, we're not down a slayer. I’ll be Obito! We'll be up our normal count-- we’ll still have an Obito, the two witches, and Gai-- by one  _ Wonder Woman _ . That's amazing math!"

"If you do get turned into your costumes, I suppose it won't be any different than normal," Tobirama begrudgingly agreed. "One Obito, as per usual. Things will be quieter without a Shisui, but we'll manage."

Shisui sputtered, then yelled: "Are you saying that I'm  _ loud _ ?"

They all turned to look at him. He dropped the finger he'd raised in righteous indignation and let his shoulders slump.

"Shutting up now."

"Good boy," Tobirama rolled his eyes, ignoring the sudden flush that erupted in the boy's cheeks, and turned to the next in line-- only to sigh.

"Hatake, what is this?" Tobirama asked, sounding very much like someone who desperately didn't want to know, but was forced to ask anyway.

"Maa, sensei." Kakashi started, and at the other end of the line, Tenzo groaned and draped a hand over his brow. Tobirama's expression suggested he wanted to do the same. Likely the only reason he didn't is to preserve some air of dignity.

"This is what I was wearing all day today, but with an added touch." Kakashi, smiling lazily, lifts the lapel of his jacket to reveal a square sticker, stuck above his breast.

"I can't bear to look." Tenzo says to Shisui, monotone. "What has he done?"

True despair colors his tone.

His boyfriend offers no quarter.

"'Hello,'" Shisui reads off cheerfully, "'My name is--'"

"Damnit, Kakashi," Obito says, breaking his place in line and wheeling to face him. "Why are you like this?"

Tenzo lifts his hand to watch the fireworks.

"'--God.'" Shisui finishes.

"It's clever!" Kakashi protests, lifting his hands as if to ward off an attack. Obito's left eye twitches.

Tobirama pinches the bridge of his nose. His sweater-- expensive, form-fitting, soft and navy-- has silver curls of embroidery that nearly match his hair; the movement makes light catch where silver stands out, conspicuous from the blue.

"The chances of last year's events repeating themselves are slim to none." He eyes the thick, bold lines of marker spelling GOD in the white space beneath the red. Visibly struggles with acceptance as Kakashi smiles the smile of innocent children.

"I hate you all," Tobirama says, but lets it go.

"I'm a dryad." Tenzo says, before he can ask. He touches the twig-crown over his brown hair. "If shenanigans happen, I'll be in a tree, probably. Can't try to kill someone if I'm a tree."

"Can't help  _ us _ kill things, either." Kakashi notices.

"And?" Tenzo asks brazenly, maintaining eye contact like an assault.

"Fair enough," Kakashi concedes.

"Wait." Tobirama says. He does a head count.

"Where's the other one? The girl one."

Gai springs to attention, hands at his sides with military precision.

"Sensei! Rin is at the debate tournament. She entrusted me with a message for you!"

Tobirama's lips quirk.

"Alright. Deliver your message."

Gai dutifully recites, "She said, 'Have fun at Halloween on the Hellmouth. I'll be in a hotel room, far, far away. No costume, no monsters, no problems.'"

"Excellent work, Gai." Tobirama says.

Gai beams.

"Hang on-- she said something about doing a Samhuinn ritual," Tenzo volunteers.

Tobirama waves a hand.

"No matter. There's precious little that could go wrong with a personal wheel of the year observance  _ here _ , let alone out of town."

"Bet you she comes back with a cat's head." Kakashi mutters to Obito.

"Bet you she just got a strong urge to punch you and doesn't know why," Obito counters.

Tobirama absently cuffs him on the back of the head.

"Sensei!" Obito howls, indignant.

"Pay attention, brat." Says the librarian, but his attention is elsewhere, expression distant.

"I suppose," He finally says, once all are quiet and looking to him, "That's the best we can do to be prepared, without knowing what-- if anything-- will happen tonight."

He looks them over.

"Everyone in possession of weaponry?"

"Yes, Sensei." They parrot.

"Stakes?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"Silver knives?"

"We carry this stuff every night. We know how to pack heat on patrols," Shisui complains.

"Shh. Don't question me. Preparedness will save your life one day."

"It already has" Tenzo says, looping a finger through Shisui's belt loop and tugging. The boy squawks.

"Three stakes, two knives, a medkit," Tenzo reprimands, placing an extra dagger in the waistband of his jeans.

Shisui goes distractedly pink; Tenzo rolls his eyes and slaps his ass, reprovingly.

"Head in the game, Uchiha."

Shisui brings doe eyes around at him, blinking rapidly. "Will you still love me if I turn into Obito, tonight?"

Tenzo chokes, coughs, demands, "Where did that come from? I'm certainly won't  _ kiss _ you while you're Obito."

"And I appreciate that," Obito chimes in, eying Shisui sternly.

"Polyjuice potion for fun and profit," Kakashi quips.

Obito huffs, elbows him.

"Being the slayer long term would suck," Shisui muses out loud.

"Gee, thanks."

"But  _ short _ term, it'd be awesome."

Obito snorts a laugh despite himself.

"Shisui, you don't want to be me." Obito says, wry. The tone is gentle, if a bit condescending, like walking a small child through some simple concept-- like explaining why eating ice cream for dinner, every night forever, would actually be terrible.

"What? Of course I do. Well, like, just for the one night-- I don't hate being  _ Shisui _ \-- but super strength! A magical destiny! Slayer spidey-sense!"

Tenzo looked on at him, fondly.

Obito shakes his head on a laugh, an ironic smile tipped with amusement stretching his lips.

"Shisui" He says, then again, as Shisui recounts yet more titular benefits of being the vampire slayer. "Shisui,  _ I have a vagina. _ "

Shisui cuts himself off with a pained expression, clearly torn. As they watch, his expression goes from horrified realization to dawning interest.

Obito has to raise a hand to his mouth to smother his laughter as Shisui immediately spins to his boyfriend, mouth opening--

_ "Oh my god, do not talk about your under-aged sex life in my library." _

"We're eighteen!" Tenzo and Shisui chorus, offended.

Tobirama looks a hair's breadth away from murdering all of them.

"Students. Illegal. Out."

"Closets are for--" Obito starts hotly, a senior now but still constantly spoiling for a fight. It's like he was born with an unfinished war in his heart-- exactly like that, actually, because he'd come into this world ready to punch evil in the teeth, but spent his formative years having missed the distinction that it's supposed to be  _ supernatural _ evil.

There's a reason they snatch up slayer potentials and raise them en masse.

Tobirama looks to the ceiling, tiredly.

"No, brat.  _ Get _ out. I need to be alone with my books. The collective amount of hormones you lot bring to bear has exhausted me."

There's a fair bit of grumbling. Shisui has to hurry to the archives for a book on samhain rituals for reasons, which he refuses to elaborate on. Finally, though, they head for the doors and Tobirama can divest himself of their presence.

"Hey, what if you just," Shisui makes a motion with his hands like an explosion, "Poof out of existence?"

Kakashi snorts back, grabbing his things.

"What if I become how people  _ perceive  _ an all powerful god to be? The power rangers aren't real, but that didn't stop us last year." He counters.

Shisui looks intrigued.

"How unfortunate that I was away at the muay thai national championships last Halloween!" Gai laments, stretching his arms long over his head.

"Yeah, we missed you too, buddy." Kakashi says easily.

Gai grins and throws his arm around him.

"Shisui was so  _ pretty _ in pink."

Shisui gives him the finger.

"Fuck you, Hatake. I looked great." He picks up some steam as he shoulders his backpack more comfortably. "And, another thing, I was a  _ power ranger _ . You aren't going to make me feel inferior for that-- it's literally impossible."

"What colour would I have been, do you think?" Gai asks, wistful.

"Mm, who knows?" Kakashi answers, while Obito rolls his eyes and gets the door. "Tenzo already had green."

"Such a shame Rin's missing out this year." Obito says, though with the open door, the ebbing throng of straggling students produces enough noise to make it hard for Tobirama to hear him.

Kakashi laughs.

"Yes, how tragic."

“Am I the only one who still dreams of that, sometimes?” Shisui, curious.

“May the power protect you, always,” Obito says, and Tobirama has to swallow around the chord it strikes, a few scattered notes of soothing music in the back of his mind.

The voices of his students fade into the faceless noise of the masses, until the door falls shut behind them and even that fades.

Finally, they're gone.

Tobirama clicks off the lights to the library and sits in his office, eyeing the reference tome he was perused on and off all day with some distaste. Stress for the coming evening builds bit by bit at his temples, fear of the unknown settling by degrees on his spine.

_ Probably _ nothing will happen, but it  _ is _ the literal mouth of Hell.

And last year they'd had to deal with  _ Madara  _ of all people.

"We killed that guy," Obito had said, so offhand. Tobirama pushes his hair back on his head, running pale fingers through paler strands absentmindedly. The silver etchings on the sweater catch the sliver of twilight lancing in through the window, threads imbued with magic and wards glowing softly. 

"Madara doesn't know how to die." He tells his office, the words hanging ominously in the quiet.

Madara's not dead. Madara's  _ never _ dead. He comes back to life in new and annoying-- if exciting-- ways, just to make Tobirama's life more difficult.

As to the odds of a repeat of last year's Halloween-- negligible. Madara rarely does things the same way twice, though he might-- if only to throw Tobirama off.

Madara does so love keeping him on his toes.

He will deny unto his dying breath that he adores the challenge.


End file.
